going out

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For a moment in time, there was a hole and I felt the need to fill it.   I knew what I was in search of was not the appropriate solution.  At a fundamental level, I knew that I should sit with the space.  Listen to it’s irrational fears.  But the ego does not like the concept of holes and fear, and it’s primal drive won

 

 

It was ironic, as divine timing most always is.  Because earlier that day I realized that everything that I had been seeking outside of myself naturally came when I found it inside myself.

 

I guess that’s why life is a practice of awareness, huh?

an affair to remember

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In his book,  “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle talks about the attachment to time as a root of suffering or discontent or something like that.

 

 

If you would have told me when I was 21 where I would be at 27,  I would have said you’re bonkers.  Actually, I wouldn’t have said that, because the word “bonkers” would have been just too silly for my intellectual self to entertain.

 

 

I assumed what life would be. Probably working.  Hopefully in a serious relationship.

 

 

 

Even though I wasn’t there at the time, I always saw myself going a more holistic route.  Unbeknownst to me where that would actually lead.

 

If you had told me at 27 I would be surrounded by interesting people leaving the kitchen I work in making an hourly wage and kicking it with girlfriends for the rest of the day and pulling myself out of a meditation because I wanted so badly to shout from the rooftops how in love with everyone I am around most that I just had to journal about it, I probably would have told you that was not me.

 

And I would have been right.

 

Because that’s what this life is about.  Growing and evolving.  And loving every breath of the way.  Especially yourself.

 

Gosh this chick is beautiful.

moving direct

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“Probably no one in this class is in the 1-5 range, right?”  The instructor asked as we went over our psychic spectrum sheet.

 

I was the only one in the room to raise  my hand while looking at the 3 I had written on my paper.

 

Really?!  REALLY?!  Well, don’t be discouraged.  You’re probably just blocked in some context.”

 

“Oh, absolutely.”  I replied.

 

 

Mercury went direct in my house of communication the same day I started an intuitive development course in attempt to open channels with spirit and my guides.

 

Actually, all planets went direct.  An astrological phenomenon, lifting the fog and paving:

 

“hope for the future. It’s uniquely a time where the earth’s perspective becomes like the Sun. Where the vibration of the solar system can provide an extraordinary kind of cosmic assistance to any endeavor created to benefit, rather than to hinder, human life on earth. Where the whole planet can be energized by cosmic fuel rather than fossil fuels.

We are encouraged to be eyewitnesses and, to use this timing with deep intent for personal and world advantages.  We imagine with all of our hearts and souls, the most positive outrageously wonderful environment for ourselves, and for our communities, and for all to benefit.”  according to gostica.com

 

A time to be aware.

will follow for…

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Nine years ago, I made a decision.

Kind of.  I didn’t know what to do or how to do it and it all seemed overwhelming to navigate on my own so I followed the road that had been paved before me.

I was 18 and the world said it was time to be an adult.

 

I don’t even know if I feel like an adult at 27, whatever that means.

 

Though the decision was passive, I still communicated with the universe how I was going to go through life.  A bit aimless with no real goals, just following the road.  I didn’t often stop for the views and never actually felt much of anything.  A shell of a balloon being dragged by status quo.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong, it showed me some beautiful places at points, especially towards the end:

the peaks of Colorado, the Arizona desert, vegetable farms of Austin TX

and gave me no shortage of resumé topics:

goat milking, chainsaw maintenance, thai culture and cuisine, clay home construction, a Wilderness First Responder certification, a passion for the art of trailer backing, experience living out of a vehicle for two years and the smorgasbord of organizational tactics it takes among many many other topics.

 

 

And that was fun and all.  But that 9 year cycle is coming to a close, and it’s time for me to choose a direction.  2017.  The number 1 in numerology.  A fresh beginning.

 

 

 

 

I choose the path led by my own beating heart.

 

 

It’s always been there, and now I choose to be brave enough to listen.

 

 

this magic moment

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Finding meaning:  the plague of our generation.

 

A soul search for something more.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe the meaning is in acknowledging that the quest is always in progress.
And the real meaning is found in transcending the suffering the inevitably pops up.

 

 

The questions and the torment and the self  inflicted anguish over trivial matters.

 

Maybe the real meaning is in each and every piece of gratitude.

 

Like Virginia Wolff said,

 

“The moment was all.

The moment was enough.”

will yoga for…

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Right now my practice isn’t as consistent as I would like for it to be. Like an everyday, hop out of bed for this kind of thing.

 

(Coffee trumps literally everything about the morning.  And my kapha ass is doing nothing but rollin’ out of bed. )

 

But when I do step on the mat (more often in the evening), it’s about the bits of transformation at a time.  The story my body is holding in the moment.   And gahhhhd, does it feel good to speak; the monologue of movement and breath.

 

(People love to talk about themselves.  The body is no exception.)

Like today, my side angle bind shifted in a depth I’ve never experienced.  Usually struggling to touch tips, my fingers clasped with ease.  But my other side?  Still a bit wonky.  What am I holding onto in my outer hip?

 

 

 

And for the first time ever, I actually engaged my shoulder blades.  Man, did that make being upside down easier.  Never even knew that action existed. Or maybe I did, and I’ve been working towards it all along?

 

 

 

 

 

The Bhagavad Gita explains that we must relinquish the fruits of our labor.  We must live our dharma and do it to the best of our ability, regardless of the outcome.

Or like Bukowski said, “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”

 

 

That really takes the pressure off the trip: an infinite journey.  And we choose how to perceive the human experience, one conscious breath at a time.